


Nadeko Splutter

by AliceOmelette



Category: Bakemonogatari
Genre: Advice, Amnesia, Anxiety, Apologies, Autistic Character, Awkward Conversations, Body Language, Boundaries, Boundary Issues, Canon Lesbian Character, Childhood, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Communication Failure, Dissociation, Eye Contact, F/F, Gen, Haircuts, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Introspection, Jealousy, Love Confessions, Mental Health Issues, Misgendering, POV Asexual Character, POV Female Character, POV Lesbian Character, POV Multiple, Porn Magazines, Psychological Trauma, Regret, Relationship Advice, Role Models, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Shyness, Siblings, Snakes, Spoilers, Touching, Trans rights, Writing Exercise, corrupted wishes, dead snakes, post-owarimonogatari, sensory processing, sex-repulsion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 23:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18839287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceOmelette/pseuds/AliceOmelette
Summary: Kanbaru Suruga and Sengoku Nadeko have an awkward conversation





	Nadeko Splutter

"Sengoku!" I called out to the younger... Girl? After misgendering Ougi that one time I didn't want to make the same mistake again. Mistakes like that tend to stick with you.

Sengoku Nadeko was still recognisable to me, but presenting so differently it initially threw me off. 

No hat. Short hair. Baggy tracksuit. Not unlike the one Numachi wore, in fact.

"M-Miss Kanb-baru! Uh... Hello?"

In that moment I regretted calling out, but having already gone down this path I decided I may as well stick with it.

"How're you doing? Sorry if this is a bad time." Honestly I don't know what a good time to talk to someone even is. 

_If you can't be medicine, be poison, otherwise you're just water._ That was what my mother had said. The irony though is that water can be both a medicine and a poison. Without it we cannot live, but at the same time it can be an incredibly dangerous substance.

"Oh..." perhaps my icebreaker had been rather too banal. "I'm doing okay... Things have been rough... I assume you heard from Miss Senjougahara about what happened to Nadeko. But things have gotten better."

Sengoku was clearly avoiding bringing up Araragi-senpai. That didn't seem unfair, considering what I'd heard.

"That's good to hear. By the way... Just to check... With the change in hairstyle..."

"Oh... N-no. Nadeko isn't a boy. I think. I'm not even sure that Nadeko knows what a boy or a girl is. Please don't worry about how you address Nadeko. Rara worried..." so Karen was telling the truth about her still being friends with Tsukihi at the very least.

I'd heard about what had happened with them that morning. I'd heard from both the elder and middle Araragi siblings. Honestly Araragi-senpai's response seemed rather extreme, but Tsukihi was completely out of line. Or at least it sounded that way.

As an only child I'm not sure I'll ever understand those sibling's dynamics.

"Hmm... I heard you had been spending a lot of time with Tsukihi. How's that going?"

She looked a bit flustered. Maybe I'd overstepped a line.

"N-Nadeko... Rara has be-been helping Nadeko a lot."

I didn't want to pry but that response didn't tell me very much. Actually, I think I wanted to pry a lot.

"Oh, what's she been helping you with? Homework?" having heard of Tsukihi's academic results I figured that was a good start. Or maybe it sounded sarcastic. Given the context it could've sounded like either...

"A-ah... Yeah... Ho-homework. Rara has helped Nadeko with her homework. A-and with o-other things..." Sengoku Nadeko may have seemed to be in a much less depressive space by this point, but I wasn't sure when the last time I'd met someone so easily flustered was. "Say, Miss Kanbaru" she suddenly changed the subject, "do you read much shoujo manga?"

It seemed like a non-sequitur. But maybe it wasn't. Was Tsukihi helping Sengoku read shoujo manga? No... That wouldn't seem right.

"No, not really. I mostly prefer to read novels." I wasn't sure if I was comfortable discussing the intricacies of Boy's Love with her.

"Oh... D-did you grow out of manga?"

I shouldn't have taken that as an insult but it felt strangely like one.

"No... I dunno..." I didn't know how to finish my sentence. I was feeling guilty for how I had acted towards Sengoku in the past. No, even at the time I'd felt guilty. At first I thought she was just some cute, shy, well behaved young girl. But that soon proved wrong.

Cute, shy, well behaved young girls don't crucify snakes at the top of mountains.

I'm not even sure what sort of person does do that. Witches maybe? Was Sengoku a witch? I feel like Sengoku would make a good witch someday.

I'm also worried about where she got the snakes from, to be quite honest.

"M-Miss Kanbaru..." I had spaced out. "...do you have a girlfriend?"

I was taken aback by her forwardness. I hoped she wasn't going to confess to me. Considering what had happened over the winter...

"Uh..." once again I didn't know how to answer. Relationships are messy. Me and Karen had been growing closer. We'd both probably confessed to each other multiple times.

"Miss Kanbaru... Are you okay? You've been staring at Nadeko for 30 seconds and it's making Nadeko uncomfortable." she was surprisingly straightforward. That's probably reassuring.

"Yeah... Sorry." I tried to think of what to say. "Why do you ask?"

"Whether or not you're okay?"

"No, the prior question."

"Oh, I was just hoping I could get some advice..." she seemed to be settling into the conversation and feeling more comfortable. I was surprised. I'd heard about her being like this around Araragi before... But not around anyone else.  
I awkwardly tried to smile reassuringly at her. I feel like I probably looked somewhere between creepy and confused. That wasn't what I was going for, but Sengoku didn't seem put off.

"W-well... You see... Nadeko doesn't really understand romance or... or..."

"Sex?"

"Y-yeah... But at the same time..."

"Girls?"

"..." Sengoku nodded her head very subtlety. I'm kind of surprised I picked up on it. I'm bad at reading other people. But in context it probably wasn't too hard.

"Araragi Tsukihi?"

"..." she responded the same as before

"Ah... I had suspected that." Well, really Karen had told me, though in turn Karen had told me. But it would go a long way to explaining how Sengoku had forgiven her for what happened in November. "and does she know?"

"Sh-she..."

"Confessed?"

"..." another nod.

"Ah..."

"But Nadeko doesn't know what to do. Because i like Rara very much. And she's been helping so much with Nadeko's mang..." That'd explain earlier. 

I'd heard Sengoku hated being called cute, but honestly I can't think of anything cuter than an adolescent being embarrassed about being creative. Actually, that's a lie. I can imagine Araragi Koyomi, cosplaying as a maid, embarrassed about being creative.  
Although I feel Araragi will probably still be an adolescent when he turns 100.

"Oh, that's cool." I responded. Encouragement seemed like the best option.

"F-for-forget tha-that Nad-I said that..."

"Awh..." I couldn't hold it in any more. "Don't be embarrassed about it Sengoku. I'm sure that together with Tsukihi you can create a manga that will pierce the heavens!"

She seemed about as confused as she did reassured. Was Gurren Lagann really that old?

In that moment I imagined Araragi cosplaying as a maid and wearing dog ears and almost lost my composure.

"M-Miss Kanbaru" this was becoming a familiar exchange. "I should be goin..."

"No. Wait up. Sorry. I'm being spacey." Araragi had said he thought I seemed like someone who would be good with young girls back last June, but in reality I don't think I'm particularly good with anyone. It sounds awful but I think on some level with Araragi and Senjougahara I can get by because I can sink to their level.

Really those two were made for one another in ways you'd never even suspect at first.

"O-okay..."

"Sengoku, when Tsukihi confessed to you... Was she... Intense... About it?"

"Y-yeah... Tsukihi..."

"Burns brighter than the sun?" In that moment I think I channelled Araragi-senpai, although with Sengoku that might not be the best idea.

"..." she nodded again. "I like Rara so very much... But... At the same time... She's scary. And I don't know what to do."

I didn't either. I wish I knew what to say to the troubled young mangaka. Our conversation seemed to have been going around in circles, both of us in a state of limbo between regretting starting it and wanting to leave and wanting to get to points we didn't really know how to get to.

"You said you don't feel like you really understand sex or romance? What do you mean by that?" I felt I had to find some sort of point to get to.

"I'm n-not sure. Nadeko just... Nadeko doesn't really un-understand those things."

"Hmm... I'm not sure if I did either when I was your age. No... Maybe I was slightly younger, but until I met Senjougahara I don't think I understood."

"Hmm... So, do you think... Nadeko might grow into understanding these things?

"Only you can define that, Sengoku. Do those things interest you at all?"

"Not really... Like... There were these magazines, which Nadeko found once..." Araragi had told me about this. He had walked into this room and found Sengoku rummaging through his belongings, a photo collection of mature ladies open in her lap, right before she swallowed the talisman.

"I can imagine."

"But I don't understand so much of it. Nadeko doesn't like bodily contact. Nadeko doesn't want to touch or be touched by other people. I just want to be around her, and to feel loved without all the touchy feely stuff..."

How this girl had fallen for notorious boundary respecter Araragi Koyomi I wasn't sure. Actually, in Tsukihi's case the issue was arguably even more extreme. But love finds a way, i suppose.

"It sounds like you're aro-ace, Sengoku... But maybe over time that'll change. Maybe you'll keep feeling the way you do, or feel more and more like it as time goes on. No one can tell you how to feel but yourself. You're still young."

Still young. A thing I needed to be constantly reminded of about myself. That year spent longing after Senjougahara from afar... I felt like I'd grown very old in that time. Really, 18 years old is barely even entering adulthood. 

No, in many ways I am most definitely still a child. But it can be easy to forget. In this day and age I think middle schoolers are probably having midlife crises. It's a disturbing thought, but an unavoidable truth.

"Aroays?" I could tell Nadeko needed further explanation. Considering how she ran away from home and became a god it was easy to forget that ultimately she's still very much a sheltered child.

"Aromantic and asexual. Although in your case it's perhaps more... Sex repulsion. Or maybe more just a repulsion to the intimacy involved."

It's something I have to keep in mind. Not everyone feels like me. I'm someone who craves intimacy to an unhealthy degree. No, really me and Sengoku really aren't that different. I wished upon a devil, she wished upon a snake. Our stories are almost exactly the same.

But it's far more clear what I wanted. I wanted Senjougahara, and was jealous when someone else had her.

What a fool I was.

If I had just approached her normally, not made any foolish wishes, and tried to become friends again... Well... A lot of trouble would've been saved.

I tell myself that, but maybe it wouldn't have.

I learned so much from that experience.

If that had been averted I probably would've just hurt Araragi and Senjougahara even more somewhere further down the line.

Intimacy isn't something anyone owes you.

Senjougahara can seem distant, but she can be an uncomfortably intimate person.

Honestly, I'm glad it was Hanekawa she wound up sleeping with and not me.

I don't feel I could trust myself in that scenario.

Either I'd take it too far and cause everyone hurt, or I'd've broken down and made my beloved Senjougahara feel bad.

"You seem to know yourself better than you think though, if you don't want to do traditional sexual or romantic things, you don't have to. If you're not comfortable with them. Hell, you're how old? 14? You're probably too young to be getting into those things any way. Give it a year or two and see how you feel then. This idea that friendship has to be less than romance is nonsense anyway. Live the life you want to live. Talk with Tsukihi about it, be open and honest... Don't regret mistakes too much. You're still a child. We're all still children, really."

I'd blurted out a lot. I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but after years of living in regret, I think the biggest lesson to take is that regret gets you nowhere.

"M-Miss Kanbaru! Thank you... For last year. You helped Nadeko with that snake and I never thanked you... I'm sorry..."

I think my rambling allowed her to get to the point she wanted to get to. To formulate the words in her head, or to feel comfortable saying them. It seemed almost anti climactic.

I don't even know what point I wanted to get to. I'm not a smart person. It's meant to be my secret but it's true. I'm not good at making coherent points. But I think the secret is that you don't have to be. No one is actually a smart person. We have our flashes of brilliance, but mostly we're just lost and clueless and trying our best to not fail.

But failing is okay. Failing is normal. Failure is what makes us human.

“Don’t mention it Sengoku… Sorry if I imposed myself on you. I…”

“Oh… N-no… P-please don’t worry Miss Kan-anbaru. I-it’s good to s-see you’re do-doing well… You’re so cool...”

My arrogance and self loathing were having an argument about how to respond to that last comment.

“No… Sengoku… I’m really not cool… That first time we met… I acted unacceptably towards you. I’m sorry for that… I… I’m someone who lacks self control.” we both stood there in silence. I’m not sure she’d understood what I said.

My impulsiveness wasn’t making me feel good today. I hope that I’ve helped Sengoku though. But I need to learn how to tell the difference between medicine and poison. Maybe I really am just water.

“Anyway… Miss Kanbaru… Th-thanks for talking to Nadeko… I hope you h-have a nice day...”

“Oh, thanks… You too...” She ran off before I could say anything more. She must’ve reached her limit. Sorry, Sengoku.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Sengoku!" i heard someone call out Nadeko's name from behind her.

i looked around and saw Miss Kanbaru charging toward Nadeko.

"M-Miss Kanb-baru! Uh... Hello?" i spluttered out as Miss Kanbaru came screeching to a halt.

"How're you doing? Sorry if this is a bad time."

"Oh..." i tried to think how to answer. What even is a bad time anyway? This probably wasn't one for Nadeko. "i'm doing okay... Things have been rough... i assume you heard from Miss Senjougahara about what happened to Nadeko. But things have gotten better."

i bought up Miss Senjougahara. i think Miss Kanbaru knows her. Nadeko doesn't want to bring up some other people Miss Kanbaru knows though.

Nadeko knows that that would be a bad idea.

"That's good to hear. By the way... Just to check... With the change in hairstyle..."

The hairstyle... Nadeko had cut her hair short after her encounter with Mister Kaiki. Rara had asked Nadeko if it was because Nadeko wanted to be a boy. i said no, but really... i don't know. Wanting to be anything is an alien experience to Nadeko.

Or at least, being open about it is.

"Oh... N-no. Nadeko isn't a boy. i think. i'm not even sure that Nadeko knows what a boy or a girl is. Please don't worry about how you address Nadeko. Rara worried..."

Rara had worried a lot about Nadeko recently. Ever since Rara... Since Rara had slipped while holding those scissors she had been a lot less scary towards Nadeko.

So still really scary.

But... Scary in a nicer way... i think most people are really scary, to be honest. They talk so much and never seem to break a sweat. Nadeko doesn't know how to do that.

Nadeko breaks a sweat just looking at other people.

"Hmm... I heard you had been spending a lot of time with Tsukihi. How's that going?"

Miss Kanbaru had asked Nadeko about Tsukihi. i thought of saying she'd been very kind but still kind of scary to Nadeko, but Nadeko didn't want to badmouth her.

Because Nadeko loves Tsukihi, even if she is scary.

"N-Nadeko... Rara has be-been helping Nadeko a lot."

i hoped that was an acceptable response.

Without bangs Nadeko can't just not respond anymore.

It's a blessing and a curse to Nadeko.

"Oh, what's she been helping you with? Homework?" Miss Kanbaru didn't seem the sort to care much about homework, so this response surprised Nadeko.

"A-ah... Yeah... Ho-homework. Rara has helped Nadeko with her homework. A-and with o-other things..." i wasn't sure what i was saying so Nadeko changed the subject. "Say, Miss Kanbaru, do you read much shoujo manga?"

It seemed like a non-sequitur. But it wasn't. Tsukihi was helping Nadeko draw a shoujo manga. It's kinda embarrassing though, so i hadn't told many other people. 

"No, not really. I mostly prefer to read novels." It seemed Miss Kanbaru wasn't such a big manga fan. That was strange. i thought she was meant to be a huge yaoi fan.

"Oh... D-did you grow out of manga?"

Nadeko wondered if Miss Kanbaru was going through one of those "mature phases" she had heard about.

"No... I dunno..." Miss Kanbaru seemed confused by that question. She seemed like a very confused and confusing person to Nadeko. Someone with a happy exterior, but a sad interior.

Miss Kanbaru's shoulders.

Her shoulders gave it away to Nadeko.

Nadeko can't stand eye contact, can't stand looking at people's faces. But when Nadeko is looking away from people's faces, she gets to see the rest of them. Nadeko is quite good at reading people's body language, even if other people think i am bad at it.

"M-Miss Kanbaru..." i had heard a good way to talk to other people was to ask them about their lives. People like to talk about themselves. "...do you have a girlfriend?"

"Uh..." Miss Kanbaru didn't really respond. i thought about running away but didn't feel comfortable doing so. i owe Miss Kanbaru for saving Nadeko from that snake curse last summer.

"Miss Kanbaru... Are you okay? You've been staring at Nadeko for 30 seconds and it's making Nadeko uncomfortable." i was surprised by how straightforward i was. Nadeko is usually gaybackwards, or whatever the opposite of straightforward is.

"Yeah... Sorry." Miss Kanbaru seemed to be rebooting. Like a computer at the library. i wonder what her loading screen might look like. "Why do you ask?"

"Whether or not you're okay?"

"No, the prior question."

"Oh, i was just hoping I could get some advice..." In the time Miss Kanbaru had been spacing out Nadeko had thought of an excuse. No, i think that this is what i was going for all along. "W-well... You see... Nadeko doesn't really understand romance or... or..."

"Sex?"

"Y-yeah... But at the same time..."

"Girls?"

"..." i nodded in response. It was probably obvious in context, but... Nadeko feels like she understands how i feel about girls even less than i understand how Nadeko feels about boys. Nadeko had pretended to everyone, pretended to herself, that i like boys, that i liked a boy, for a very long time.

But it wasn't true.

Nadeko doesn't like boys. No. That's not fair. i don't like people very much, but i don't feel very much about boys. That's why pretending Nadeko likes boys was so easy. i feel a lot about girls. Girls feel like those sweets that go pop in your mouth to Nadeko.

"Araragi Tsukihi?"

"..." i had been found out.

"Ah... I had suspected that." It seemed Miss Kanbaru was a very perceptive person to Nadeko. Maybe once you've beared as much as Nadeko has to Miss Kanbaru someone can't help but be perceptive. i hope Nadeko doesn't have to become Nudeko just to be understood by everyone she meets. "and does she know?"

"Sh-she..."

"Confessed?"

"..." i felt like Miss Kanbaru was always a step ahead of Nadeko. Is Miss Kanbaru a time traveller? Was she being helped by Doraemon?

"Ah..."

"But Nadeko doesn't know what to do. Because i like Rara very much. And she's been helping so much with Nadeko's mang..." It had slipped out. i was still having trouble telling people about drawing manga. Making things is embarrassing to Nadeko.

"Oh, that's cool." She responded. Nadeko couldn't tell if her tone was meant to be encouraging or judgemental.

"F-for-forget tha-that Nad-i said that..." i spluttered.

"Awh..." Maybe Miss Kanbaru was sympathetic. "Don't be embarrassed about it Sengoku. I'm sure that together with Tsukihi you can create a manga that will pierce the heavens!"

i wanted to be reassured by Miss Kanbaru's response, but the way she started giggling at the end didn't really help Nadeko. Miss Kanbaru is hard to read, even for Nadeko. Or maybe she's easy for other people to read.

"M-Miss Kanbaru" i decided to try to break things off here. "i should be goin..."

"No. Wait up. Sorry. I'm being spacey."

"O-okay..." Nadeko stopped before she ran off. Perhaps i was less uncomfortable around Miss Kanbaru than i thought.

"Sengoku, when Tsukihi confessed to you... Was she... Intense... About it?"

"Y-yeah... Tsukihi..."

"Burns brighter than the sun?" That seemed like an extreme way of putting it. But no. Burning is a good way to describe Rara. Maybe she doesn't burn brighter than the sun, but going off her name she certainly burns brighter than the moon. Actually that's probably not hard. i don't think the moon burns at all, otherwise how would they have been able to walk on it.

Nadeko may be a pitiful, painful girl, but i still know that people walked on the moon. i'm not on that level on painfulness.

"..." i tried to formulate a reply. "i like Rara so very much... But... At the same time... She's scary. And i don't know what to do."

Whether Miss Kanbaru would have any idea what to do, i had no idea.

"You said you don't feel like you really understand sex or romance? What do you mean by that?" She seemed to hone in on something i had said earlier.

"i'm n-not sure. Nadeko just... Nadeko doesn't really un-understand those things."

"Hmm... I'm not sure if I did either when I was your age. No... Maybe I was slightly younger, but until I met Senjougahara I don't think I understood."

"Hmm... So, do you think... Nadeko might grow into understanding these things?

"Only you can define that, Sengoku. Do those things interest you at all?"

"Not really... Like... There were these magazines, which Nadeko found once..." The magazines Nadeko had found in Rara's house. Nadeko wanted to claim she had another excuse, but really... i just wanted to look at those women. It felt so right to Nadeko, and Nadeko didn't know why.

"I can imagine."

"But i don't understand so much of it. Nadeko doesn't like bodily contact. Nadeko doesn't want to touch or be touched by other people. i just want to be around her, and to feel loved without all the touchy feely stuff..."

Rara is a touchy feely person. Once Nadeko woke up to find Rara had climbed into bed with her, and i felt so gross. But much less gross than if it was anyone else. Maybe i could get used to being touched by Rara. But Nadeko doesn't want to be touched much, regardless.

"It sounds like you're aro-ace, Sengoku... But maybe over time that'll change. Maybe you'll keep feeling the way you do, or feel more and more like it as time goes on. No one can tell you how to feel but yourself. You're still young."

"Aroays?" i wasn't quite sure what Miss Kanbaru meant. Of course Nadeko is young. Of course how i feel might change. It had felt like how i would feel would never change, but then i realised that Nadeko had never felt that way at all. Feelings are mysterious, and hard to explain.

"Aromantic and asexual. Although in your case it's perhaps more... Sex repulsion. Or maybe more just a repulsion to the intimacy involved."

i think i understood what Miss Kanbaru meant. Nadeko definitely feels a repulsion from intimacy. It's not that Nadeko never wants intimacy... It's just that the reward from being hugged by a friend always feels like less than the cost.

i started wearing hats mostly so the brims could cover Nadeko's eyes, but also so i could avoid certain people's headpats.

Family members all seem to dole out headpats.

"You seem to know yourself better than you think though, if you don't want to do traditional sexual or romantic things, you don't have to. If you're not comfortable with them. Hell, you're how old? 14? You're probably too young to be getting into those things any way. Give it a year or two and see how you feel then. This idea that friendship has to be less than romance is nonsense anyway. Live the life you want to live. Talk with Tsukihi about it, be open and honest... Don't regret mistakes too much. You're still a child. We're all still children, really."

Miss Kanbaru seemed to be getting herself together. At first she didn't seem to know what she wanted to say to Nadeko. Now she seemed to be saying everything. Thinking of that, what did Nadeko want to say to Miss Kanbaru? i know there was a reason i didn't just immediately run away.

"M-Miss Kanbaru! Thank you... For last year. You helped Nadeko with that snake and i never thanked you... i'm sorry..."

“Don’t mention it Sengoku… Sorry if I imposed myself on you. I…”

“Oh… N-no… P-please don’t worry Miss Kan-anbaru. I-it’s good to s-see you’re do-doing well… You’re so cool...”

Miss Kanbaru is indisputably a cool person. So cool that Nadeko worries she might freeze. But she is also a very erratic person. i wouldn't say that to her though. Miss Kanbaru might confuse erratic with erotic.

“No… Sengoku… I’m really not cool… That first time we met… I acted unacceptably towards you. I’m sorry for that… I… I’m someone who lacks self control.” Nadeko wasn't sure what to say. i don't remember her acting inappropriately before. Miss Kanbaru can have a crude sense of humour, maybe that's what she means. Or maybe Nadeko is misdirecting some memories.

i didn't really know but it made Nadeko feel awkward. i had said thank you to Miss Kanbaru. Miss Kanbaru had said what she wanted to say, or at least Nadeko got that impression. i suspected that this was the time for Nadeko to make her exit. A Nadexit.  
“Anyway… Miss Kanbaru… Th-thanks for talking to Nadeko… I hope you h-have a nice day...”

“Oh, thanks… You too...” i heard her say as Nadeko ran off. i hope that wasn't too rude of Nadeko. Nadeko had to go though, Rara had agreed to meet with her that afternoon.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as an exercise in writing characters. The Monogatari series tends to have characters with quite strong voices, so trying to write those characters is an interesting piece of practice. I'm not really sure how well it turned out but I'd be interested to hear how other people responded to it.


End file.
